I try really, really hard. It takes a lot of effort to be the kind of parent I am, the kind of parent I want to be. There are a lot of days I just feel like I'm just barely keeping it together and nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel like I'm coming up short. There are days I'm so tired I can barely hold my head up, let alone pack around a toddler and a baby and go through the motions of the day on my own. Most days I barely see my husband because he's sleeping and then working all night, and I feel like I'm falling farther and farther behind, being away from home, living on 3 hours of sleep a night.
I've been short with Cooper lately. I catch myself raising my voice, which I NEVER did before. I've had to remind myself to be patient, and sometimes it's too late and I've already hurt him. I've snapped at him when he needs me. I've been so rushed I have forgotten that he is small and learning about the world, and instead of fostering that love of discovery, I have rushed him and brushed him off lately.
Right now I'm looking over at my tiny sleeping boy and it occurs to me that he really is the epitome of unconditional love. Even though things have changed, and I don't always have time to play with him on command or get him a snack RIGHT NOW, and even though I'm cranky sometimes and I've snapped at him, he still wants me there. He still asks me to play, wants to sit on my lap and snuggle with me, tells me he loves me, tries to make me proud. I am. I am so, so, so very proud of him.
I'm going to have to try harder to breathe before I react, and to be more patient. I have a fantastic son, and he deserves the best version of me possible. I need to slow down and be more of the mother I was before Penny was born and I let myself become so wrapped up in life that I forgot that it's going to go on whether I take that microsecond to enjoy my awesome little boy or not. The only difference is that not hurts my baby.
Cooper has been so loving to Penny. He wants to help with her, hold her, rub her hair, share toys with her, buy her things, and tell her stories. He is the best big brother I could imagine. Penny is the luckiest little girl in the world to have such an awesome brother. My family is amazing. It's definitely time to refocus and be the best mother, wife, and Amber I can be for them. I want fewer nights crying and thinking about how far short I came.