Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

Brandon is off work tomorrow. This is good. Lately I've been struggling a little bit. I haven't felt like my usual positive, annoyingly calm, incredibly patient, chipper self. The last short while I've been quick to anger and frustration, snapping all too often and being far too confrontational and far too short on tact. I've felt sort of hollow. Like when I'm not angry I can't feel much else, so I almost WANT to be mad because it's an emotion I can hang on to. Even when I feel somewhat ok, I'm not at peace.

I've struggled off and on with depression for a long time. I was diagnosed and medicated at 13, and couldn't stand what it did to me. I didn't feel like a person any more. I didn't feel anything at all. I gained a bunch of weight, went through the motions as far as existing, and slept all the time. So I kicked the meds and never looked back. They didn't work out for me at the time. I did other things to cope with my downswings. For my seasonal depression I up my vitamin D intake, do more physical activity, and make an effort to get dressed and accomplish a handful of small tasks every day so I don't get overwhelmed. These bouts of clinical depression that I get every so often last a lot longer and hit a lot harder, and are much more difficult to cope with. If I continue to feel this low, I'm going to call my doctor and get help so it doesn't get worse.

My family has a pretty extensive history of depression, and I watched my mother, aunt, and grandmother struggle with it my whole life. After Cooper I had mild PPD, which I was able to deal with. There are times, though, that I go into a tailspin and it doesn't get better for a long time. Years. So I'm making an effort to get help early. My family deserves to have the best me possible, and right now, I'm not that person. I know I'm in a bad place when I start to wonder if my family would have been better off if my midwives hadn't been able to get my bleeding under control and I just wasn't around. Time to get some help.

I'm so glad I have Brandon. He supports me and tries to understand. I have a good man.

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