Friday, May 31, 2013

Time to get ready to gooooo.

   Yesterday Brandon was cranky, so I took Cooper and gave him some space. We went into Boise and cleared some stuff up with my dad, and Cooper spent the night. I'm going back today to take care of my grandmother while my parents go out of town for my brother's graduation. They'll be back very late tonight, but I only have to stay until my grandmother goes to bed. I'm not sure if Brandon is coming with me. He's still sleeping. I doubt he'll want to come along, but I was going to offer. I need the help anyway. I can't lift my grandmother into her chair if she needs to get out of bed. I have Morgan as a back-up.
   Either way, I need to go.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Baby in my ribs...

please get out of my ribs. It's not comfortable. It's rather painful. Cooper messed up my ribs really bad, and you're not helping matters by using them as a springboard. I love you, Baby, but this is not cool.
   I am freaking tired today. I think tomorrow I'm going to ask if I can sleep in. Brandon is usually awesome about letting me get extra sleep when I need it. I'm usually not able to sleep past about 8:30, so even if he agrees to take over Cooper duties, I will probably be up anyway. I tried taking a nap when Cooper did yesterday. I was woken up 5 different times in 2 hours before I gave up. It was pretty much the worst nap ever. Still, I'm glad I have a husband that understands how tired I am lately and is willing to pick up some slack so I can rest while I have the chance. Once the new baby is here I'm going to be a lot busier.
   Tomorrow I'm making scones with orange blossom honey butter. Right now I'm going to go lay my pregnant butt on the couch and watch a movie with Brandon before bed. Cooper is finally in bed for the night, and it's pouring rain, and it's the perfect night for stove-top popcorn and a good movie.
   I will leave you with this, internet:
This is my son being a sodabot. It's awesome. Enjoy.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

I am pooped. Edited with pictures!

   Inez and I were up until after 1am making all the desserts for the baby shower today, and then I was up at 8, so I'm pretty tired. It was worth it though. Everything came out so cute, and tasted so good. We baked and decorated ourselves nearly to death. I could not have gotten everything done in time without her help. She did so much for me in the last few days. I am so grateful.
   We got to the park a little late, but everyone else was much later, so it worked out. The food was delicious and was promptly devoured. There was very, very little left over. Enough people played the games that it wasn't a waste of time for me to have spent the time making them, and they were actually pretty fun. Brandon got pictures of all the guests. He took them all in sepia tone, which ended up looking really cool, but in retrospect he wishes he had taken them in color and been able to edit them himself in Lightroom. We got a couple awesome things for the baby, including a folding travel co-sleeper that I LOVE, an awesome diaper bag set, a hand-written coupon for my aunt to make the baby a keepsake quilt after the birth so she can pick gender appropriate fabrics, and a bottle-drying rack. Cooper loved helping open presents. He likes ripping open the paper.
   Brandon's family came, which was great. My mom and Randy came and brought Sara, Inez and Charlie followed us into town, a couple of my aunts and uncles, and several cousins made it. Shyla and Max didn't show up, and a lot of my family couldn't make it because they had to work. My dad and step-mom and little sisters didn't bother coming, which stung a little, even though I knew they weren't going to. I haven't even spoken to them in over a week. The people that were there were great though. There was a lot of good conversation, happy people, and tasty food. It was really fun.
   So far almost everyone is rooting for team girl, which I'm all for. I would love to have one of each so I can be done. Hahaha. For now I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. I'm just sleepy.
   Brandon's mom got a lot of pictures, so I'll be stealing some from her to post. And I'll put up some of Brandon's later.

Here are the pictures!

Friday, May 24, 2013

Sleep apnea is awesome.

   Not! My poor husband has a hard time sleeping. He can't seem to maintain normal breathing, and moans in his sleep during the worst of it. It happens a lot at night and has been waking me up lately. It's gotten worse over time. I'm not sure if it's because he's gained a little weight over the years, or if it's exacerbated by something in the house, or if it's just naturally worsening. It's the worst when he's on his back. He's sleeping next to me right now and his breathing is fairly regular, but every now and then he has these stretches where you can hear a change in his breathing and it stops or reduces dramatically, and then he's breathing hard to make up for it, to the point where he's moaning from being winded. He doesn't snore or anything. I worry about him. I don't think he understands just how much I worry about him sometimes. I need him to be healthy for our kids and I. That's probably why I'm so anal about him taking care of himself. Pushing him to eat healthy foods with me, go to the dentist, cut back on caffeine when he's going overboard.
   Sometimes I worry that I come off as nagging, and I know I'm not his mother and he's a grown man and can do what he wants. If he wants to take caffeine pills and drink 6 Redbull in a day, it's not really my place to tell him he can't. Still, it freaks me out, so I DO say something and ask him to cut back and tell him how much it bothers me. When he broke a couple teeth and they were hurting him, I DID push him to go to the dentist and get them fixed so they wouldn't get infected and cause him pain. I'm pretty pushy about things like that. It's because I care. I hope he knows that. It's because I want him around for our family for a long time. I never want to have to explain to Cooper why his hero is sick or never coming home again, so sometimes I do demand that he do things he doesn't want to for the sake of his health. We're young. We need to take care of ourselves now so we can grow old and enjoy it.
   Blake has been here since yesterday. He's a good kid. He played with Cooper a lot. It was good for Cooper. He doesn't get to play with other people enough. He's shy at the park most of the time, and generally wants to hang out with me or tries to play with the older kids. His uncle Blake gets down on his level and plays with him. Last night they ran all over the house and porch, doing tricks off the furniture and killing zombies and riding Cooper's bike, scooter, and fire truck. They watched a movie on the floor with all the pillows we could find in the house, I roasted some chick peas with honey and chipotle and some other spices for them to snack on. It was a good night. Blake fell asleep pretty early, around midnight, which I thought was really funny since he was talking about how he was going to be up all night and how freaked out he was about sleeping in a new house. He was worn out. Cooper was put in bed around 10:30, but didn't fall asleep until almost 1am because he wanted to get up and play with Blake. He was so cute.
   I don't think Blake is used to waking up as early as we do. I was up at 8 doing my own thing. Cooper woke up at 8:30, I hooked him up with some cartoons and got in the shower. Brandon and Blake got up at about 9 when I got out of the shower and Cooper's cartoon was over. Poor Blake seems to be dragging, but  he's being a good sport. He and Cooper are cutting shapes out of Cooper's scrapbooking paper. Cooper is making "stickers" for the baby shower. Hahahaha. He's so awesome.
   I'm going to go make breakfast, do a load of dishes, prep the fruit for the lemonade tomorrow since it needs to soak, pull out dough for scones, clean the bathroom, and tidy the living room before Inez and Charlie get here. Then we're all going to bake. Yesterday was awesome, today is going to be even better.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

We got a lot done today!

   The baby shower is Saturday! It's so close. Today we sat down and made a bunch of the stuff we needed for it. Brandon made mustaches and I made bows for the photo area. I made the uterus game. It's pretty much awesome. It was really time consuming to make all the sperm though. I cut each one out individually and made each one look different, all with a unique tail, so it was hard. I bruised my knuckles on my scissors. They came out SUPER cute, though. It was worth it. So I no have my adorable pennant banner for the photo area, along with the props, which is really exciting. I hope everyone is willing to do pictures. I made 6 super cute bows, and Brandon made 8 mustaches, and we attached them all to sticks for photo booth props. I really want to get fun pictures. I have one game made. I also got some cheap yarn for the measurement guessing game. So two games down and the stuff for the photo booth made.
   Tomorrow I need to work on the calendar game, which is basically making a big calendar that encompasses most of June and July, and decorate the jar for the betting money to go in. Everyone is going to bet on when the baby is going to be born. It's gonna be $2 per bet, and once the baby is born we'll split the pot with the person that got the closest. People can bet more than once, but two people can't bet on the same date.
   I also need to make the Old Wives Tales game, which is basically a board with 13 old wives tales that predict gender, but I'm not going to write which gender each one predicts. Everyone is going to get some paper and guess which mean boy and which mean girl. Then I'll go to the board and put a mustache by the ones that mean boy and a bow by the ones that mean girl. Whoever gets the most right wins. Easy peasy. I just need to make the poster with the tales, and some little paper bows and mustaches.
   So tomorrow I need to make the two easy games. It's basically taking a sharpie to some poster board and gluing stuff to a jar to make it pretty, and of course cutting out a handful of paper shapes. All of which is fast, easy projects. There will be 4 games and the photo area. Plus the food, which again, Brandon's family has generously offered to help with. It's going to be too cold for a water fight, but there is plenty to do at the park beyond that, so I think it will be good. Since everyone cancelled we decided against the pinata, since there won't be many kids there now. I have a HUGE family, but getting them all together is a pain. As far as young kids being there, it's looking like it's just going to be Max, Cooper, and Allison. The rest will all be tweens, teens, and adults. Hopefully the kids all have fun though. That's important to me. It's part of why I picked the park I did. Cooper loves it. It's just the right size for him and there is a big field for him to play with Raymond and kick his ball around.
   We're going into Boise tomorrow to pick up the last few things on my shopping list for the shower, and to grab Brandon's little brother for the weekend. Then we're coming home and Brandon is making some of his delicious chicken wraps just the way I like them: heirloom orange tomatoes, dairy-free ranch, crispy bacon, roasted chipotle and smoked paprika chicken breast, lettuce, and avocado. Mmmmm.... I think Cooper will be pleased too. He loves bacon and veggies as much as I do. He'll probably pick out the chicken unless I shred his really finely though. He doesn't really do meat very well. Big bites of it make him gag, so I try to shred it up really small. I got strawberries for dessert. We have some whipped cream in the fridge for the boys to have with them.
   I love having extra people to cook for. I'm really looking forward to having Blake here. I'm sure he'll be sick of us by the end of the weekend, but it will be nice to have someone else to cook for and Cooper loves him to death. Friday Inez and Charlie are coming over, too, to help finish up the baking. I got dark chocolate for the molds for the tops of the cupcakes and I'll probably get some white chocolate for the mustache pops. I was planning on mixing some blue sprinkles in with the white chocolate to make them pretty and give them texture, and I've got the sprinkles. We're making a small mustache-shaped cake, and TINY strawberry cupcakes with white frosting and a little dark chocolate bow on top of each, and white chocolate mustache pops. We'll also be having hot dogs, strawberry and blueberry lemonade, simple fruit salad made of watermelon, strawberries, and blueberries, we'll have chips as well.
   So far this is shaping up to be a pretty awesome shower. I am excited. The people that show up are the ones that I want there, and anyone that doesn't isn't worth being sad about. I've put a lot of time and thought into this shower so we can celebrate with the people that support us and are happy to celebrate with us. That's exactly what we're going to do. We're going to have a damn good time.
   I am now very tired. Goodnight, little planet!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Things that I need to accomplish in the next few days...

   My incredible husband took on the momentous task of deep cleaning the house for me as a late Mother's Day/ birthday gift. It looks really good. I helped, and managed to drag 4 trash bags of stuff out of the house yesterday. It's funny how much STUFF accumulates in a year, and it feels good to throw out all the unnecessary junk. Our whole house feels fresh and much roomier without all the extra crap hanging out here and there, taking up space and getting strewn about by a messy toddler. Brandon cleaned the living room and started the kitchen, and helped with the bedroom, and took on Cooper's room with Cooper's help, and mine toward the end. We still need to finish our bedroom (just hauling the last of the STUFF out and vacuuming), the kitchen (a handful of bulky dishes and mopping), and the bathroom (sweeping and wiping everything down really fast). We're waiting until evening to finish because it gets really hot in our house during the day, but in the evening we can throw the doors open and it stays cool.
   I was starting to feel like we had outgrown this little apartment, but now that all the STUFF is out, it feels big again. It could use a fresh coat of paint since Cooper took artist markers to the walls and I was taking paint off trying to scrub it off. It could also probably use a good carpet steam, since our lovely toddler has had a few spills, but it's really a very charming little place. The landlord never showed up to open the windows today. Hopefully that happens soon and he installs the new air unit. It gets so hot in here without it.
   Brandon had a final job interview for a new job today. He'll know by the end of the week whether or not he has a job and when the next training classes start. We're having to stretch everything out until then, and I'm a little nervous about making it all work, but I am positive he got the job. The interview went well, and he passed all the tests, and was well above the requirements. We're not putting all of our plans into this job until we know for sure, though. We've been discussing other opportunities he's been offered just in case.
   The baby shower is this weekend. Thursday I'm going into Boise to pick up the last of the stuff we need, and to grab Brandon's little brother to come stay with us for the weekend. Inez and Charlie are also coming over on Friday to help me bake all the desserts. Then Saturday we're going to be busy having fun. I'm pretty excited. Of course my dad backed out of being there at the last minute. I don't know if they are going to let my sisters go. They are still trying to talk me into having a separate celebration with them. It's not happening. I'm standing my ground on this one. THEY made the choice to divorce without making the effort to be civil. Now they feel uncomfortable with each other. I was a kid. I didn't have any say in it. Now I'm an adult and I want to be surrounded by the people that love me during moments that matter to me. I'm not going to deal with the stress of walking on eggshells and planning 3 of everything. Grow up and get along at least enough to be civil a couple times a year, or don't be there when it counts, and know that it hurts me that they can't put aside petty things and be there for me, their child, who they chose to have and then forced to split between multiple families. Their choice.
   I have a bunch of baby shower stuff to make. No one other than Brandon's family has even given me a rough estimate of who all they are bringing, and I may as well not have put an RSVP request on the invite. My family sucks at RSVPing. I'm not sure who all is going to be there, if they are bringing their kids, how much food to buy... it's made all the planning that much more annoying. Brandon's family has been a HUGE help in putting it all together, and so has Inez. No one else is communicating with me. It's kind of frustrating, but on the other hand, I knew what to expect. I swear, though, if anyone objects to any part of the shower after I gave everyone the chance to give input, I'm going to go all pregnant bear on them and possibly cry.
   I'm pretty stoked about the shower. We're going to play a handful of not-sucky games, like Pin the Sperm on the Uterus, Old Wives Tales, and a betting game. I think we've finally decided on prizes for the game winners: we're going to buy lottery tickets. Because it's a co-ed, all ages shower, I had a really hard time coming up with affordable prizes that everyone would like. Scratch tickets are fun, it's like a mini-game itself, and if they win big, that's even better. As a kid I loved scratch tickets and always wanted to get one when my mom went to the gas station, and if it won she'd cash it out for me and buy me a soda. Now as an adult I still like them sometimes when we have a spare dollar or two. We've started putting them in Christmas stockings for our friends and they love it, so I thought it was a really good way to include a prize that at the very least was gender neutral and wouldn't cost a zillion dollars.
   So far the weather isn't looking like it wants to cooperate for a water balloon fight, which is sad. I'll come up with something else to make it fun, though. Knowing Idaho, the forecast will change between now and then anyway. So far it's predicted to be 76 with up to 10 mile an hour winds. Certainly not warm enough for me to participate in any water antics. Maybe if the wind isn't that intense Cooper will still be up for it though. Who knows?
   Silly Idaho weather.

Monday, May 20, 2013

As things draw near... EDITED

   Brandon still hasn't gotten a for-sure on a new job. A lot of potentials, but nothing guaranteed. I'm starting to stress out a little bit. I'm sure we'll be ok, but I'm not sure how we're going to make the final payment to the midwives by the deadline, and I'm not sure how Brandon will be able to leave a new job for the birth. I can't imagine that would go over well. I've already accepted that we're probably not going to get everything for the baby that was on the original plan, and that's ok. I'm just concerned that as it draws closer we are getting to a more and more desperate position. I keep thinking positively and doing my best to be supportive and not add stress to Brandon, but I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.
   I'm also worried because with his previous job, he had vacation time he was going to take right after the birth so I wouldn't be home alone for the first two weeks, giving me time to heal and rest and develop a routine that would work for Cooper and the new baby and I. He won't be able to do that now, and I'm scared that not having any support at home during the day is going to be really hard, and overwhelming. I wish I lived closer to the people that are able to help out. Instead I'm on my own. Inez will be immensely helpful, I'm sure, as she tends to be, and I want to keep everyone who wants to be as involved as possible, but I'm nervous about having the energy to play hostess to people when what I really need is help. I'm terrible at asking for help, and I do have some history of both seasonal and clinical depression, so I was hoping to have someone around for a little bit to keep me from sinking into the hole I sometimes fall into, and to watch so that if I do they can shake me into getting the help I need, since I will try to downplay it all in my head.
   I was sick over the end of the week, and all day Friday. I was just well enough to help with Allison's birthday treats all day Saturday, and then we went to the party Sunday. I'm still pretty pooped, which may also be contributing to the level of anxiety I'm feeling right now. I tend to let things overwhelm me when I'm tired, which is another reason I was so happy that Brandon was going to be home. He was home with Cooper for the first little bit, and it helped so much to have him take over for a few hours and tell me to go sleep when he saw that I was getting frazzled. Once I developed a routine I was ok, but that first week was a huge adjustment and I'm really panicking internally at the thought of not having that extra little hand until I can get a pattern down.
   Sometimes I wish I had a momma. I mean, I love my mom, but I just don't feel comfortable asking for her help. I know a lot of people had their mother or mother-in-law stay with them after they had their baby, or at least come over during the day, and I don't really feel that's an option for me. I just don't have those kind of relationships. I have my mother, my mother-in-law, my step-mother, and my former step-mom, and honestly, the one I'm closest to is my former step-mom, and she's already got so much on her plate, with her dad having stomach cancer, her high school age son, she just had surgery and lost her job during her leave... I don't want to be a burden to her. Lately I can't really rely on my best friend, either. We go through phases where she's seriously the coolest person and we don't rub each other wrong ever, and then phases where we just don't quite mesh and we need a break from each other. I guess that happens with everyone, though.
   Having a car has been great. I've been able to relax about being able to get to appointments and get the things we need. I'm really not sure how we're going to pay for insurance next month, though, so we may very well be parked next month. Basically in the last few weeks I went from feeling completely secure and grounded to feeling like we're back to square one, and I'm screaming in my own head for solutions to everything. It's not working out. Haha.
   I think today we're going to deep clean the house, and I need to take some deep, cleansing breaths and refocus on the positive. I need to stop thinking about the problems, and think about the potential solutions available to us, and how to take them on one by one so we can be prepared. I also need to stop being so sad that we don't have a broader support system. The people we have are pretty awesome, and we have a lot more than a fair chunk of people.
   Ok. Find that center and get a move on. We have a lot to do this week, and not much time.

   Brandon got a call back today about a high paying job about 15 minutes from home. He has the final interview and will get to pick his schedule tomorrow if he's hired. I'm really relieved. I just needed to calm down, be positive, and have faith in my husband. He would never let me down.
   Hopefully we'll be back on track as of tomorrow. That would be awesome. I just had to pay our insurance today, and I need to go get a new title and registration for the car tomorrow while the landlord is opening our windows to install the new air conditioner. All of that costs money.
   I finally came to a conclusion on the cloth diapers we want to start on. I know, I know, I've said that a couple times, but after talking to my family that would have regular contact with the baby and comparing all the different features for the ten billionth time, I decided that a hybrid system would be the best. So I'm going to get the GroVia hybrid package with some extra soakers and boosters, and a few boxes of the disposable liners so our family doesn't have to worry about cloth while the baby is there. I'll probably buy a bunch of other diapers as we go to bulk up my stash and try different things, but I'm really confident in my choice and ready to move forward. We're going to use sposies for the first while until the OS diapers fit, to save money. I'm still trying to figure out what is going on with the sewing machine I was given, so I haven't made anything yet, but I'm hoping to make my own wet bags for the diaper bag and hanging dry bags for the house, and some diapers. We can't afford to invest in the stuff I need to make them for a business yet. Hopefully soon though.
   Everything is going to be ok. I just need to calm the hell down. lol.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Rough start, but it's time to wake up refreshed.

   Yesterday was a great day for me. I got my license, I got to spend time with some really special people, and I changed my last name finally, which was awesome. I mean, I love my dad, but that name was such a pain. No one could pronounce it right the first time. It's not even that hard. It's totally phonetic. Stupid people. Brandon even cleaned the house while I was out running my errands and passing my driving test. My step-mom took Cooper for the night so we'd have some adult time for my birthday, which is today.
   The only problem was that I was super happy and had a huge weight off my shoulders because we now have reliable transportation, and Brandon was so stressed about not having a paycheck for a couple weeks that he just sort of shut out reality. Including me. He barely spoke to me all day. He spent most of the time playing video games with our friends, and even people he didn't like, but when I got on to play with him we played one game and he said he knew he shouldn't have played. It hurt my feelings pretty bad. I wanted to celebrate progress and spend time with my husband and be happy. Instead I sat on the couch alone watching The Omen and true crime shows while he ignored me and my requests that he spend time with me, until he went to bed without me. I ended up falling asleep alone on the couch because every time I got up to go to bed I just got sad that such a great day had ended that way. I meant to go to bed. I really did. I just... never quite made it. So I woke up alone on my birthday, all the lights still on and a stiff arm.
   I know a big part of it was that I'm overly sensitive right now. Freaking hormones. I'm trying really hard to have a handle on myself, but I have pretty big reactions to stuff anyway, so it's been a challenge. I also know that when he's stressed, he needs space. He distances himself so he can analyze the situation and either find a solution or come to terms with what's happening. It just sucks that the timing for his turtle day was just right for my day to really be relieved. I wish it had been different.
   Today is my birthday. I may have woken up all wrong, and yesterday might have ended on a very low note after such astonishingly fabulous progress, but today is going to be a good freaking day. I'm going to take a shower, do my make-up, and get ready for a midwife appointment. After the appointment I'm going to go see my best friend. We've spent every single birthday eating cake together (or at least over the phone together) for the last 13 years, and I'm not going to break that tradition. I'm going to spend time with my kiddo, maybe take him to our favorite park since it's supposed to be cooler today, and make pasta and Italian sausage for dinner. I'm not going to let anyone be cranky at me, and if they try, I WILL make them smile if it freaking kills me.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Getting ready for the shower!

   It feels really early to be starting on getting everything ready. I was going to order everything, but instead I'm making almost everything by hand. So I've decided to work on one project a day until I have all of the decorations and favors done, that way I have enough time and I don't get frustrated or rush or feel pressed for time. Last night I decided to make the pennant banner. The one I was going to order was made on burlap with fabric block letters. It was simple triangular pennants on twine, and it was one long sign and the pennants were really small. It fit across a fireplace mantle. It was $18 before shipping. I'm so glad I made mine. It's big and it's pretty and it turned out really nice. I made it on card stock with twine. I have a picture. It took me about 3.5 hours to make it from start to finish.

   I'm going to have a photo booth area at the baby shower with some other props, and the banner is going to be in the tree as part of that. I am making the other props today. I'm making different mustaches and bows, hats, and glasses out of card stock and attaching them to sticks so people can mix and match props and have some awesome photos. I want lots of pictures for the baby scrapbook and I want to blow a group shot up poster-sized for the nursery area. I made a lot of photo crafts when Cooper was a baby, and I love being able to look back on everything now. I don't really like traditional scrap books, but I made cool frames and collages and I plan on doing the same for this baby. 
   Brandon talked to his mom about helping out with the food instead of getting us a baby shower gift, and she has graciously agreed to help, so that's one less thing I have to worry about. Brandon heard back about a job today. I can stress just a tiny bit less. I'm hoping he gets it and can start working soon enough that we don't fall behind, and can maybe even get the cloth diapering stuff. That would be amazing.
   Brandon and I have been playing LoL a lot, and I finally got the guts to play ranked duo queue. Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it. I've lost one of seven games. The rest were all wins. I have 3 ranked games left to play before I'm placed in a division. I'm really excited to be making progress. I'm still not as consistently good as Brandon, but I can hold my own in his division, so I'm pretty stinking proud of that. I want to get to gold before the baby is born.
   I'm off to clean the house, now. It's getting messy. I don't like that. I think I'm entering the nesting phase. I want everything clean, I feel like arranging the furniture, I want to have everything ready.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Planning is for people that really like to punish themselves. I am one of those people.

   I had every last detail of the baby shower planned, sites bookmarked waiting to place orders for decorations, favors, and a pinata, recipes poured over trying to find the perfect ones, and invitations sitting on my desk waiting to be mailed as soon as I get the last of the addresses from family and friends. I have the registry all set up, and our furniture laid out in my head to make room for the nursery furniture I had bookmarked just waiting to be ordered with Brandon's end of the month check. I had researched cloth diapers to death and found a pattern to try, some WAHMs to order some from, and the different diapers I wanted to order to compile my stash. With Cooper we were caught up in trying to get on our own feet while taking care of family and friends, so I didn't get to do most of this for Cooper, and I was so excited to get to do it all right this time.
   Brandon took another absence at work today. His ride never showed up to get him to work this morning or answered his phone, so Brandon was very late, and because it was an overtime day, it counted as an absence. So he called in and stayed home and went to the dentist to get his tooth fixed. He had two teeth extracted today because they had broken, but other than the two broken teeth, the rest are healthy. Which is really awesome. I'm glad he finally went to the dentist. He's been in a LOT of pain, to the point where it keeps him up at night. He was going through Oragel faster than we could buy it, and I was worried about his liver because his Tylenol and Ibprophen intake were so high. He's going to feel so much better once he's healed up. Sadly, missing work means he is probably going to lose his job. He wasn't able to be late or miss anymore work until the 14th, otherwise he was going to be walked, and he missed today.
   We were SO CLOSE. I start my driving classes on Wednesday, and will have them finished on Monday, then Tuesday before my midwife appointment I was going to go in and get my license, and after my appointment pick up the car. I've already got the insurance set up to go into effect Tuesday and everything. Now that Brandon is looking for a job, it looks like we're going to be on temporary assistance again, and we'll have to tighten our belts. Cloth diapering, nursery furniture, and the baby shower I had been planning are all out of the question. At first I was really sad, but I kept it to myself. Brandon already feels terrible. I don't want to make him feel worse. He told me he feels like he failed us.
   Now that I've had time to sit on the idea of not having everything I had hoped for, I've had time to focus on what we DO have and what we CAN have. It might be back to the drawing board as far as planning everything, but I happen to like planning. I can make things and get crafty and come up with really special personal ideas for things. We can buy second hand and I'm handy with sandpaper and paint. Everything is going to be ok. Brandon's applied for other jobs and has some prospects. We'll be alright. We'll land on our feet.
   Realistically I'm pretty lucky to have everything I do. I have a lovely little home, a fantastic family to share it with, people that love me and that I love back, a full belly, and the opportunity to improve our circumstances. There are a lot of people out there with a lot less. Sometimes things are messy and they fall apart and it seems like the end of the world for a moment, but we've weathered so many of the harshest storms, and this is barely a breeze by comparison.
   I love my husband. He is fantastic. He doesn't feel like it right now. Between the pain in his mouth, and his level of stress, and having to accept that we now have to give up some things that seemed so important yesterday, he's pretty low. So I'm working really hard to make him feel better. In the end, the perfect crib is still just some painted wood and nails and a mattress. The most exceptionally cute decorations are still just string and paper and glue and fabric for one silly party. Even the best cloth diapers made from the best fabrics and materials are just things to cover a butt to keep poop from getting on everything. And in the end, our life isn't the things we bought or what our child pooped in, slept in, or the decorations for celebrating them, but the fact that we DID celebrate each other. The moments that made us stronger and pulled us closer and even the most mundane conversations that meant that we LIVED. And damn it, we do. We live as best we can, and make what we have the best it can be.
   So today is about starting from scratch. I'm plugging my nose, closing my eyes, and holding my breath, and jumping in from the highest diving board knowing my family is with me, and when we resurface we'll have new ideas and new chances to make everything awesome.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

I should be asleep.

   Brandon's had to go into work ass early lately, and when he gets ready for work I wake up and can't go back to sleep. I'm so tired at this point. I just want to sleep in. Cooper wakes up in about an hour and a half, and I could be zonked out, and I want to be, but I try and try and even though I'm pooped, I just can't fall asleep. I'm ready for someone to hit me in the head hard enough to knock me out just so I can get some rest.
   I'm at the point in my pregnancy that is just uncomfortable. I'm up and down all night going pee, I still toss and turn because my hips get sore, and I'm lugging around an extra 28 pounds all on my front so my back is a little bit angry at me. On the plus side, I'm 29 weeks, 5 days today. I had a midwife appointment yesterday, and once again I was told I'm right on track. Lately all of my appointments have been with Kelly, which I love. She's just got this personality that makes me comfortable. All of the midwives are great and I love them dearly, but Kelly is my favorite. My next appointment is on my birthday. Kelly and Danielle put a reminder in the notes because they are absurdly sweet and didn't want to forget.
   Baby Poa has been moving a lot lately. Still not as hard as Cooper did, but really active. It's been nice. I love feeling little waves of movement and sudden little kicks and rhythmic hiccups and gentle rolls. It's neat. It's comforting to feel my sweet baby, strong and so very alive. It's one of the few things about pregnancy I enjoy. I'm not one of those women that likes being pregnant. This is my respite from all of the things I would complain about a lot more if I focused on them. I already whine quite a bit on here, so having a positive point of focus the rest of the time is awesome.
   I'm going to try one more time to get a little more sleep before I have to get up and do dishes and go get more driving stuff out of the way. I need to pick up my permit today, pay the driving school, schedule my driving classes, and contact my insurance company about getting the car insured next week so I can take the test and get my license. I'm really nervous to be just starting out driving with a toddler. I don't want to make a stupid mistake that could hurt my son. Which is why I'm now, at 23, taking driver training. Every little bit of instruction and practice I can get before I put my kid in the back seat is going to help me feel better about driving. I need to feel like I am competent enough to put my kiddo in the back seat and not kill or injure him.