Monday, May 20, 2013

As things draw near... EDITED

   Brandon still hasn't gotten a for-sure on a new job. A lot of potentials, but nothing guaranteed. I'm starting to stress out a little bit. I'm sure we'll be ok, but I'm not sure how we're going to make the final payment to the midwives by the deadline, and I'm not sure how Brandon will be able to leave a new job for the birth. I can't imagine that would go over well. I've already accepted that we're probably not going to get everything for the baby that was on the original plan, and that's ok. I'm just concerned that as it draws closer we are getting to a more and more desperate position. I keep thinking positively and doing my best to be supportive and not add stress to Brandon, but I'm kind of freaking out a little bit.
   I'm also worried because with his previous job, he had vacation time he was going to take right after the birth so I wouldn't be home alone for the first two weeks, giving me time to heal and rest and develop a routine that would work for Cooper and the new baby and I. He won't be able to do that now, and I'm scared that not having any support at home during the day is going to be really hard, and overwhelming. I wish I lived closer to the people that are able to help out. Instead I'm on my own. Inez will be immensely helpful, I'm sure, as she tends to be, and I want to keep everyone who wants to be as involved as possible, but I'm nervous about having the energy to play hostess to people when what I really need is help. I'm terrible at asking for help, and I do have some history of both seasonal and clinical depression, so I was hoping to have someone around for a little bit to keep me from sinking into the hole I sometimes fall into, and to watch so that if I do they can shake me into getting the help I need, since I will try to downplay it all in my head.
   I was sick over the end of the week, and all day Friday. I was just well enough to help with Allison's birthday treats all day Saturday, and then we went to the party Sunday. I'm still pretty pooped, which may also be contributing to the level of anxiety I'm feeling right now. I tend to let things overwhelm me when I'm tired, which is another reason I was so happy that Brandon was going to be home. He was home with Cooper for the first little bit, and it helped so much to have him take over for a few hours and tell me to go sleep when he saw that I was getting frazzled. Once I developed a routine I was ok, but that first week was a huge adjustment and I'm really panicking internally at the thought of not having that extra little hand until I can get a pattern down.
   Sometimes I wish I had a momma. I mean, I love my mom, but I just don't feel comfortable asking for her help. I know a lot of people had their mother or mother-in-law stay with them after they had their baby, or at least come over during the day, and I don't really feel that's an option for me. I just don't have those kind of relationships. I have my mother, my mother-in-law, my step-mother, and my former step-mom, and honestly, the one I'm closest to is my former step-mom, and she's already got so much on her plate, with her dad having stomach cancer, her high school age son, she just had surgery and lost her job during her leave... I don't want to be a burden to her. Lately I can't really rely on my best friend, either. We go through phases where she's seriously the coolest person and we don't rub each other wrong ever, and then phases where we just don't quite mesh and we need a break from each other. I guess that happens with everyone, though.
   Having a car has been great. I've been able to relax about being able to get to appointments and get the things we need. I'm really not sure how we're going to pay for insurance next month, though, so we may very well be parked next month. Basically in the last few weeks I went from feeling completely secure and grounded to feeling like we're back to square one, and I'm screaming in my own head for solutions to everything. It's not working out. Haha.
   I think today we're going to deep clean the house, and I need to take some deep, cleansing breaths and refocus on the positive. I need to stop thinking about the problems, and think about the potential solutions available to us, and how to take them on one by one so we can be prepared. I also need to stop being so sad that we don't have a broader support system. The people we have are pretty awesome, and we have a lot more than a fair chunk of people.
   Ok. Find that center and get a move on. We have a lot to do this week, and not much time.

   Brandon got a call back today about a high paying job about 15 minutes from home. He has the final interview and will get to pick his schedule tomorrow if he's hired. I'm really relieved. I just needed to calm down, be positive, and have faith in my husband. He would never let me down.
   Hopefully we'll be back on track as of tomorrow. That would be awesome. I just had to pay our insurance today, and I need to go get a new title and registration for the car tomorrow while the landlord is opening our windows to install the new air conditioner. All of that costs money.
   I finally came to a conclusion on the cloth diapers we want to start on. I know, I know, I've said that a couple times, but after talking to my family that would have regular contact with the baby and comparing all the different features for the ten billionth time, I decided that a hybrid system would be the best. So I'm going to get the GroVia hybrid package with some extra soakers and boosters, and a few boxes of the disposable liners so our family doesn't have to worry about cloth while the baby is there. I'll probably buy a bunch of other diapers as we go to bulk up my stash and try different things, but I'm really confident in my choice and ready to move forward. We're going to use sposies for the first while until the OS diapers fit, to save money. I'm still trying to figure out what is going on with the sewing machine I was given, so I haven't made anything yet, but I'm hoping to make my own wet bags for the diaper bag and hanging dry bags for the house, and some diapers. We can't afford to invest in the stuff I need to make them for a business yet. Hopefully soon though.
   Everything is going to be ok. I just need to calm the hell down. lol.

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