Thursday, June 27, 2013

Hello darling!

   It's been a long time. I haven't really had time to write anything since Brandon started this new job. It's been a big adjustment. He's working 7pm to 3:30am. Cooper and I have been hanging out at my MIL's house while Brandon works. I still feel bad keeping them up all night, but Veronica has repeatedly assured me that they would be awake anyway, and that it's perfectly alright. It's been awesome hanging out over there though. I love talking to my MIL. I'm sure I drive her insane. I tend to talk a lot.
   Cooper has been having fun over there with his favorite uncles. He's had a hard time at home the last couple days, because he misses his dad. Brandon works until Cooper is asleep, then stays up a few hours at home to decompress, and then goes to bed. So then he's sleeping when Cooper wakes up, and sleeps as much as he can because he's so tired. Cooper barely gets to see him until we're getting to leave and drop Brandon off at work. I think getting to play with his uncles and grandma are making it easier because he's not so sad when Brandon has to leave.
   I'm so ready to have this baby. I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Sometimes I feel like if I have to wait anymore my head is going to explode. Come on baby.
   The car is having some minor issues we need to get fixed, so that's a little stressful, but thankfully it's nothing expensive or horridly dangerous. Just annoying right now. We need to get our gas turned on, but we can wait on that. I DO miss hot showers though. Haha.
   I need to go take care of Cooper. He's crying.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Classic Sesame Street. Oh yes.

   Cooper has recently discovered Classic Sesame Street on Netflix. I love it. It's awesome. He's not into the new episodes. Just the old ones. He loves the Count and Cookie Monster. I'm sick of sitting in the house. I think tomorrow is an adventure day.
   I'm part of an mom forum, and I keep seeing a lot of first-time moms in the pregnancy group being concerned with a lot of the same things I was really worried about when I was pregnant with Cooper. This is my second pregnancy, and while I'm still nervous, I've experienced labor and delivery, and having a new baby home, and am a lot more relaxed with this pregnancy. I continue to educate myself as I go and stay informed as much as possible, but as a first time mom it's hard to know where to start. It doesn't help that in every day life, people seem to develop logorrhea when it comes to pregnancy, losing all sense of propriety and social etiquette and saying and doing things to a pregnant woman that would NEVER be acceptable any other time. Well, guess what, first time moms... I'm here to help!
My definitive list of pregnancy crap!
  1. People are stupid. Even women that have been through it before like to focus on the negative and the worst case scenario when giving advice and telling stories. It's like their goal is to scare the ever-loving crap out of anyone even considering giving birth. Ignore the stories about emergency c-sections gone wrong, about heinous tearing, about all the terrifying complications and situations that are within the realm of possibility, and talk to your health care provider if you do have concerns about anything. Educate yourself on what a c-section really is and how it is preformed, just in case, but know that while scary things CAN happen during labor and delivery, they seldom DO. The odds are well in your favor for a great birth experience.
  2. Childbirth IS a painful process. It just is. Whether you choose to go all natural like me, or you choose to get pain relief, at some point it's going to hurt. A lot. Here's the thing about that, though: It's so temporary, and your body has coping mechanisms in place, and most importantly, as soon as the baby is out, the pain is gone and there is this crazy rush of hormones that makes you high. Crazy high. I was so wired after my son was born, and regardless of the fact that my uterus and I just ran a three-legged marathon for five hours non-stop, I physically and mentally felt totally recharged and ready to dance through the birth center, and didn't sleep for hours after the birth. It was crazy, but trust me, it's so worth the pain to get to hold a beautiful baby and feel as good as you do after the birth.
  3. Everyone is going to tell you how hard it is, how exhausted you're going to be, and how you're never going to sleep again. Unless your baby has issues, that's actually pretty untrue. The first few nights are pretty rough, and the first week or two you're going to feel like a sobbing zombie between the hormones and the new sleep patterns, but once you establish a routine with your baby, which will happen naturally, it is actually pretty easy. Newborns sleep quite a bit. Take that time to rest, relax, shower, and sleep, oh, and eat food that's still hot. In no time at all baby will be sleeping all through the night, and then part of you will miss those 4 am snuggles while the rest of the world sleeps.
  4. In spite of the general view of infants, they DON'T actually cry every second they are awake. As a general rule, they cry when they have needs and stop once they are met. Within a week of being home with baby, you're going to know what they need based on how they cry alone. Again, to the parents who have babies that have some problem or another, I get it. Cooper had reflux and colic until we could find a formula that worked for him, so for 3 weeks he cried pretty much all the time, but once we got it sorted out, he was awesome. They really are beautiful when they are awake and content.
  5. You don't actually look that big.
   I find it's best to ignore people for the most part, talk to medical professionals when I need advice or opinions, and get my research from reliable sources, like medical journals, the CDC, the WHO, and the AAP. I also like watching different types of births so I know what to expect from each situation.
   Good luck, first-timers everywhere. It's normal to be nervous no matter how many kids you've had.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Deep breath. And a sigh of relief.

   Brandon got the job today. His schedule sucks, but it'a a job that pays decently and is guaranteed forty hours a week. He's not really thrilled about the job itself, but having a job is a huge relief for all of us. I'm glad he was able to find something. He's also thinking about going to school this fall. I'm kind of frustrated because he knows what his dream career would be, but he doesn't think he can do it, so he's not going to major in anything he is really passionate about, which to me seems like a huge waste. He's going to spend the money on an education, but not be doing what he really wants to do. On the plus side, his tentative thoughts on going to school is big progress. Hopefully I can convince him to do something he'll actually enjoy.
   Poa has definitely dropped. It's pretty uncomfortable. My hips and lower back ache. My grandmother also mentioned the drop today. Apparently it's pretty noticeable because I was carrying so high, all up in my ribs. I'm not carrying high like that anymore. It's easier to breathe, which is awesome. Hopefully the drop doesn't mean Poa is coming soon. I need to keep that baby in until the 22nd to have the birth at the birth center, and I want the baby to cook as long as possible and be really ready to come out healthy and strong. As uncomfortable as I am, I'd be so much more miserable if my sweet baby came early and had to spend time in the hospital.
   Speaking of sweet babies, my Cooper got to ride all sorts of fun rides at the Cherry Fest tonight. He had a blast. Last summer he was too small to ride anything but the carousel and the baby roller coaster shaped like a caterpillar. This year he got to go on a couple of the big rides with his daddy, and was big enough to ride all the toddler rides by himself. He had a complete blast. He rode everything he could at least 3 times. His favorite thing was the giant slide that he went down on the big itchy blankets. He loved that so much. He played a couple games, too, and won a stuffed pink, sparkly dolphin, and a little blue shark. He had carnie food and we got another photo button of the three of us. Brandon and I have one of the two of us from the year before I got pregnant with Cooper, and now we have one as a family of three. Next year we'll have to go get one as a family of four.
   I'm glad we got to do this with Cooper before the new baby came. It was like a mini-vacation for an evening, and we were focused just on our little boy before everything changes. Inez and Charlie took us and were extremely generous with their time, and bought him food and a wrist band for the rides. We are extremely lucky to have them in our lives. As soon as we have a little extra money I would like to go do something for them, maybe take them to a movie or dinner.
   Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to miss being a family of three. We've hit this awesome routine, and Cooper is old enough now that he's more independent. Life is pretty great with the three of us. I worry that Cooper is lonely though. Still, I'm a little bit afraid of having a new baby and starting over trying to learn how to function as a family. I hope we can make it work. I'm really nervous about it.
   I've got the list made of things we need to pack in the baby bag, and started packing. I'll have everything either in the bag or ready to go in by the end of the week. Obviously the laptop and camera are going to have to wait until the last minute because we use them daily, and I need to go pick up some newborn diapers and the oatmeal raisin cookies I want for my snack, and the popsicles won't go in until the last minute so they won't melt before we get there, but I've got the bottled water, Gatorade, Tylenol, outfit to go home in for myself and baby, 2 baby blankets, hair ties... basically the rest of the bag packed and set aside. We don't need a ton of stuff since we're not staying at the birth center over night. We'll be going home between 4 and 6 hours after the birth, which I LOVE. I'm still kind of torn about whether I want Cooper to come home with us, or spend a couple days being spoiled by one of his grandparents before coming home to a whole new world.
   Part of me thinks I want my little boy home, because I love him and I always want him home. I want to be surrounded by my little family and all get to know the new baby together. On the other hand, I remember how exhausted I was the first couple nights home with Cooper, and I'm afraid I might be impatient or unable to meet all of his needs, and that it will be harder to adjust with all the stress. I'm a little concerned that he will have a much harder time getting used to things in the chaos of the first few days. Brandon and I are talking about it off and on and I just can't seem to make up my mind. I think I'm going to ask for some advice from a few of the moms in my life and see what they think. Normally I'm pretty decisive, but this is all new to me. I want it to be as easy as possible for Cooper, who, by the way, has already decided that this is HIS baby. He's such a funny little thing.
   IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII need to pee again. I think that's it for the night. Goodnight internet.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Things that make me emotional... ETA

   Ummm... try everything lately. I'm really starting to panic that we haven't found work yet. Poa is going to be here very soon, and we have nothing. I'm getting Allison's infant car seat from Morgan just to be able to bring the baby home. We're using Cooper's old pack and play for the baby to sleep in when we're not co-sleeping. We don't even have diapers yet. I so desperately wanted to cloth diaper, and I really thought we were going to be able to, but we can't afford the up-front costs, even though in the long run it's so much cheaper. We caved and bought a couple outfits on clearance to get by until we have income. If it ends up being a Penelope I won't need to buy clothes anyway. Morgan saved all of Allison's stuff just in case, and most of it is brand new. If it's an Archer, we're kind of stuck. I'm seriously freaking about not being ready. It's been overwhelming the last few days.
   We still owe the midwives $350. I don't know what we're going to do. I'll have to make a payment arrangement, but I'm not sure how because I don't know when we'll have income again, so I can't really schedule payments. Part of me is terrified I'll have to go to the hospital instead, and have a stranger deliver my baby in a very high-stress setting. I haven't been sleeping well because I have nightmares about it all. I've been trying so hard to be positive, but the time crunch is wrecking me. I haven't told Brandon how scared I am, because he's already so upset and feels like a failure. I don't want to make it worse.
   Yesterday a bunch of my clothes got ruined. I had started the wash, and the neighbor decided to move it to the dryer without saying anything and start it on high without fabric softener so they could wash their clothes. All of the shirts I had that fit are now shrunk and too small. I'm furious. I went down to move it over, and it was almost completely dry and everything was messed up. I now have a couple dresses to get through the next five weeks. Morgan has offered to loan me some clothes, but that doesn't change the fact that my neighbors were extremely inconsiderate. If they had needed to do laundry THAT BADLY, they could have asked and I wouldn't have done it that day. Instead they stopped my load mid-cycle and put everything in the dryer on high. They ruined a bunch of my clothes. I love the guy that lives upstairs, but this was not cool. I'm going to talk to the guy upstairs and work out a schedule for when I can do mine without it getting touched, or I'm going to find somewhere else to wash clothes. I can't afford to just go out and buy more.
   I think I need a mini-vacation. Maybe I can talk my mom into taking Cooper for the weekend so Brandon and I can get the house in order and spend some time decompressing and looking for jobs together.

BRANDON JUST GOT A JOB INTERVIEW. Positive thoughts, please!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Ok. No. Nononono.

   I am so ready to be done being pregnant. I'm tired all the time, and I have such awful sciatic nerve pain in my right hip and leg that it's becoming hard for me to walk without my leg giving out. We went to the store today and I was getting LOOKS as I gimped around, trying not to fall over or gasp in pain every time the sharp, sudden, intense stabbing would hit me. It was bad.
   I'm having a pretty easy pregnancy, and I know I should be grateful for that. I have had no complications, my asthma has improved this time, I'm right on track for weight gain and growth, and everything has come back normal. Every test has had a good outcome. It's been easy. Still, I am not one of those women that enjoys being pregnant. I'm ready to be finished. I have roughly 6 weeks left. Well, 5 weeks, 3 days, but who is keeping track? Not me, clearly. I'm thinking about making a paper chain. Cooper was born at 37 weeks. Hopefully this baby cooks as long as it needs to in order to be healthy and strong, but not so long that I contemplate smashing my head into the table over and over until I die. I'd like to get as close to the 40 weeks as possible, but I think if I had to go over I would lose my mind. I'm such a baby. Hahaha.
   I need a good massage. I think I'm going to ask Brandon to give me some rubbing tonight. The weight on my front half is causing some huge knots on my back half, and it's starting to hurt really badly. Basically tonight is a whiny post. I feel like whining and complaining until I'm tired enough to sleep, since right now my eyes are tired but the rest of me is like, "HEY! Wanna think about EVERYTHING?! LOUDLY?!" So I'm going to get all of my grumbles out and have a little pity party for a minute so I can go back to being my happy self. Sometimes it's nice to just bitch and moan and then be done. Like somehow writing it down or saying out loud makes it seem so much smaller and it all goes away for a while.
   I'm getting really scared about money. Things are beyond tight. I'm being as brave and supportive as I can for Brandon, but on the inside I'm flipping out. There is so much wrong right now, and so little time to fix it. Our gas got shut off today. Cooper is going to take "baths" using water from the stove and we're going to take cold showers until we can get it turned back on. We have almost nothing for the baby. I don't think the cloth diapers are going to happen because we can't afford them, which sucks because long-term they would have saved SO MUCH MONEY. We don't even have an outfit to bring Poa home in. I'm getting more and more frantic every time we need something. Today we had to get toilet paper and milk. Cereal was on sale and we were out, so Brandon bought a box. It doesn't seem like a lot of money, but that $11 is money we don't have for bills later. We've come so far and I am so scared to see it all slip away again, especially with Cooper and now Poa.
   I'm sure we'll be fine. Brandon's been desperately looking for work, applying 3 or 4 places a day on average, calling to check on applications, and doing everything he can to give himself a fighting chance. I just know he'll find something soon. So far he's been vehemently opposed to me applying for anything, but I was thinking about applying at some call-centers and going through the paid training as long as I can, working until he finds a job. It's easy to sit through training, and if I leave on good terms for medical reasons, I'm likely to be hired back later if need be. I think if he doesn't hear back from anywhere by the end of the week I'm going to spend the weekend applying at every call center in the area. We can't afford to be picky right now.
   I need to sleep. First, calming lavender chamomile lotion on my itchy belly, and then hopefully sleep. I'm feeling better already. For me getting stuff out helps me let go and focus on the positive, so I'm glad I have a place to vent for a while without dragging anyone down. Good night, planet. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.