Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Ok. No. Nononono.

   I am so ready to be done being pregnant. I'm tired all the time, and I have such awful sciatic nerve pain in my right hip and leg that it's becoming hard for me to walk without my leg giving out. We went to the store today and I was getting LOOKS as I gimped around, trying not to fall over or gasp in pain every time the sharp, sudden, intense stabbing would hit me. It was bad.
   I'm having a pretty easy pregnancy, and I know I should be grateful for that. I have had no complications, my asthma has improved this time, I'm right on track for weight gain and growth, and everything has come back normal. Every test has had a good outcome. It's been easy. Still, I am not one of those women that enjoys being pregnant. I'm ready to be finished. I have roughly 6 weeks left. Well, 5 weeks, 3 days, but who is keeping track? Not me, clearly. I'm thinking about making a paper chain. Cooper was born at 37 weeks. Hopefully this baby cooks as long as it needs to in order to be healthy and strong, but not so long that I contemplate smashing my head into the table over and over until I die. I'd like to get as close to the 40 weeks as possible, but I think if I had to go over I would lose my mind. I'm such a baby. Hahaha.
   I need a good massage. I think I'm going to ask Brandon to give me some rubbing tonight. The weight on my front half is causing some huge knots on my back half, and it's starting to hurt really badly. Basically tonight is a whiny post. I feel like whining and complaining until I'm tired enough to sleep, since right now my eyes are tired but the rest of me is like, "HEY! Wanna think about EVERYTHING?! LOUDLY?!" So I'm going to get all of my grumbles out and have a little pity party for a minute so I can go back to being my happy self. Sometimes it's nice to just bitch and moan and then be done. Like somehow writing it down or saying out loud makes it seem so much smaller and it all goes away for a while.
   I'm getting really scared about money. Things are beyond tight. I'm being as brave and supportive as I can for Brandon, but on the inside I'm flipping out. There is so much wrong right now, and so little time to fix it. Our gas got shut off today. Cooper is going to take "baths" using water from the stove and we're going to take cold showers until we can get it turned back on. We have almost nothing for the baby. I don't think the cloth diapers are going to happen because we can't afford them, which sucks because long-term they would have saved SO MUCH MONEY. We don't even have an outfit to bring Poa home in. I'm getting more and more frantic every time we need something. Today we had to get toilet paper and milk. Cereal was on sale and we were out, so Brandon bought a box. It doesn't seem like a lot of money, but that $11 is money we don't have for bills later. We've come so far and I am so scared to see it all slip away again, especially with Cooper and now Poa.
   I'm sure we'll be fine. Brandon's been desperately looking for work, applying 3 or 4 places a day on average, calling to check on applications, and doing everything he can to give himself a fighting chance. I just know he'll find something soon. So far he's been vehemently opposed to me applying for anything, but I was thinking about applying at some call-centers and going through the paid training as long as I can, working until he finds a job. It's easy to sit through training, and if I leave on good terms for medical reasons, I'm likely to be hired back later if need be. I think if he doesn't hear back from anywhere by the end of the week I'm going to spend the weekend applying at every call center in the area. We can't afford to be picky right now.
   I need to sleep. First, calming lavender chamomile lotion on my itchy belly, and then hopefully sleep. I'm feeling better already. For me getting stuff out helps me let go and focus on the positive, so I'm glad I have a place to vent for a while without dragging anyone down. Good night, planet. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

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