I had every last detail of the baby shower planned, sites bookmarked waiting to place orders for decorations, favors, and a pinata, recipes poured over trying to find the perfect ones, and invitations sitting on my desk waiting to be mailed as soon as I get the last of the addresses from family and friends. I have the registry all set up, and our furniture laid out in my head to make room for the nursery furniture I had bookmarked just waiting to be ordered with Brandon's end of the month check. I had researched cloth diapers to death and found a pattern to try, some WAHMs to order some from, and the different diapers I wanted to order to compile my stash. With Cooper we were caught up in trying to get on our own feet while taking care of family and friends, so I didn't get to do most of this for Cooper, and I was so excited to get to do it all right this time.
Brandon took another absence at work today. His ride never showed up to get him to work this morning or answered his phone, so Brandon was very late, and because it was an overtime day, it counted as an absence. So he called in and stayed home and went to the dentist to get his tooth fixed. He had two teeth extracted today because they had broken, but other than the two broken teeth, the rest are healthy. Which is really awesome. I'm glad he finally went to the dentist. He's been in a LOT of pain, to the point where it keeps him up at night. He was going through Oragel faster than we could buy it, and I was worried about his liver because his Tylenol and Ibprophen intake were so high. He's going to feel so much better once he's healed up. Sadly, missing work means he is probably going to lose his job. He wasn't able to be late or miss anymore work until the 14th, otherwise he was going to be walked, and he missed today.
We were SO CLOSE. I start my driving classes on Wednesday, and will have them finished on Monday, then Tuesday before my midwife appointment I was going to go in and get my license, and after my appointment pick up the car. I've already got the insurance set up to go into effect Tuesday and everything. Now that Brandon is looking for a job, it looks like we're going to be on temporary assistance again, and we'll have to tighten our belts. Cloth diapering, nursery furniture, and the baby shower I had been planning are all out of the question. At first I was really sad, but I kept it to myself. Brandon already feels terrible. I don't want to make him feel worse. He told me he feels like he failed us.
Now that I've had time to sit on the idea of not having everything I had hoped for, I've had time to focus on what we DO have and what we CAN have. It might be back to the drawing board as far as planning everything, but I happen to like planning. I can make things and get crafty and come up with really special personal ideas for things. We can buy second hand and I'm handy with sandpaper and paint. Everything is going to be ok. Brandon's applied for other jobs and has some prospects. We'll be alright. We'll land on our feet.
Realistically I'm pretty lucky to have everything I do. I have a lovely little home, a fantastic family to share it with, people that love me and that I love back, a full belly, and the opportunity to improve our circumstances. There are a lot of people out there with a lot less. Sometimes things are messy and they fall apart and it seems like the end of the world for a moment, but we've weathered so many of the harshest storms, and this is barely a breeze by comparison.
I love my husband. He is fantastic. He doesn't feel like it right now. Between the pain in his mouth, and his level of stress, and having to accept that we now have to give up some things that seemed so important yesterday, he's pretty low. So I'm working really hard to make him feel better. In the end, the perfect crib is still just some painted wood and nails and a mattress. The most exceptionally cute decorations are still just string and paper and glue and fabric for one silly party. Even the best cloth diapers made from the best fabrics and materials are just things to cover a butt to keep poop from getting on everything. And in the end, our life isn't the things we bought or what our child pooped in, slept in, or the decorations for celebrating them, but the fact that we DID celebrate each other. The moments that made us stronger and pulled us closer and even the most mundane conversations that meant that we LIVED. And damn it, we do. We live as best we can, and make what we have the best it can be.
So today is about starting from scratch. I'm plugging my nose, closing my eyes, and holding my breath, and jumping in from the highest diving board knowing my family is with me, and when we resurface we'll have new ideas and new chances to make everything awesome.