I have an irrational fear. It never gets better, logic never works to soothe my fears, and my reaction is one of sheer horror no matter how much I try to relax and control myself. I have an extreme phobia of needles. Usually people don't get it. I tell them I'm scared of needles and I get, "Oh, I don't like them either!" I try to explain to medical staff that it's more than a dislike, and more than just a fear or anxiety, it's an outright traumatic panic attack scenario, and that I have to have things done a certain way to avoid being a danger to myself and them, and I usually get brushed off. Anyone that has a phobia gets it, but for people that don't have that kind of extreme fear, it's hard to understand. The sobbing, sweaty palms, shaking, heart pounding, lack of air reaction that seems so extreme and ridiculous, and is absolutely humiliating for the person experiencing it because no matter how hard I try, I can't calm down and it feels like I'm dying and the whole world is ending. It's embarrassing, and terrifying, and awful.
I had a midwife today that learned all about trypanophobic reactions. I had time to prepare, and my midwife was INCREDIBLE. She was there for Cooper's birth as a midwife in training 2 years ago. She made sure all of my little comfort requests were met, and she was extremely patient with me. We went through the whole appointment, she answered all of my questions and concerns, and was very open about everything, and let me take my time and breathe. As far as the rest of the appointment, I've lost weight due to the morning sickness, but I've been trying my hardest to get enough of the nutrients I need, and stay hydrated. It's been paying off. My blood sugar levels are ok, so I don't need to do a major glucose screening. I am not showing signs of anemia, but they won't know for sure until they get my blood work back. I'm hydrated and healthy. They just want me to gain a little bit of weight, since I've lost 5 pounds since my last visit. I heard baby's heartbeat, and it was steady and normal, and super strong. We could hear it even above mine.
I don't know if I'm going to get any ultrasounds other than the most basic anatomy ultrasound, IF we decide to get that. The only reason I'm considering it is because I'm paranoid and want to be prepared if something is wrong with the baby so we can go to the hospital. I've been looking into the medical necessity of it, and the pros and cons, and am still leaning heavily towards having one. My biggest issue with it right now is that I'm feeling really bullied into finding out the gender. Brandon and I agreed we'd rather not find out until the baby is born. We want the surprise. Plus that way we can stock up on gender neutral stuff that we can box up and save in case we want more babies a few years from now when I'm done with my degree. We don't have to get everything for one gender and have nothing if we have a different gender baby years from now. The anticipation would be super fun, and what an incredible surprise would that be? To be able to actually announce, "It's a ----!" and let people hold our little one for the first time.
We have names picked out for both. Penelope Zorah R. for a little girl, and Archer Finnley R. for a little boy. I can't wait to find out, but I'm going to. I'm getting a lot of flack for it. It's really frustrating, but I'm just going to have to tell everyone bugging me that we don't know and we're not finding out until the birth, and if it's an issue, they can keep it to themselves because I'm going to stop responding to people telling my how to experience my pregnancy.
Morgan went with me to my appointment today, and held my hands and let me cry like a bitch, and then got me Chinese food to make me feel better. She's easily the best friend I could ever have asked for. Brandon got home and asked me about it and made me feel better, and I love him so much more than I knew I was capable of. We're going to bring this baby into a world full of people, and some of these people are going to be so wonderful that I just know our baby is going to be just as happy and healthy and loving and excited about life as our Cooper is. He has awesome grandparents, and our little family to help him be the best and happiest he can be, and I know without a doubt that this baby will have all of that, AND the best big brother in the universe. He's so good to Allison and other babies, and he's so loving and patient and ready to play and learn, and he's going to be so great as a big brother. So in spite of the trauma from my appointment, today is a good day. Even the tough days are good days. Life is pretty awesome and everything is incredible. Agustin had it right. Everything is incredible.