Because everyone likes to hear about poop.

   So far today, Cooper has been totally diaper free and had no accidents. At breakfast this morning, as we ate our oatmeal, he looks up from the table and farts, then giggles, and then gets a very serious face and tells me, "Momma, I farted. Now I have to poopoo." So we booked it to the toilet, and he climbed up there and pooped like it was nothing. That's a big deal. He then clapped, wiped his bottom, which I wiped again for good measure, since no one likes skid marks or a dirty pooper, and gave him a bandaid for making it to the potty.
   That's right, a bandaid. See, we had tried stickers, candy, little toys... nothing got him excited about going to the potty, until bandaids. He loves them. He gets a big one for poops, and a little one for peeing. He ADORES bandaids. Not even cool ones with pictures. The boring flesh-tone fabric Band-Aid brand bandages. Turns out the trick to potty training was finding a currency he was excited about, and of course my weird-o child would accept bandaids as his currency of choice. Oh well. They actually cost less than most candies and they aren't bad for his teeth or bed time. I'm pretty excited about that.
   Now that we're done talking about toddler bowl movements (which I am so proud of it's wrong on some level, I'm sure), let's talk about Baby. Morgan sent me a fetal heart monitor to help me relax until my crazy uptight self gets past the point of thinking we're still living on the edge of indescribable pain. I get to listen to Baby whenever I want now, and it's been so great. It helps me sleep to listen to baby right before bed. It's comforting to hear that steady little heartbeat move around between my hips, just a couple inches below my belly button.
   I have a midwife appointment on the seventh. That should be fun, too. I love my midwives. They are awesome. It's really neat to see Cooper interact with the women that helped him enter the world. I'm not going to lie, I have my favorite midwife, which kind of makes me feel a little guilty, but I'm hoping she can deliver Baby. She was there for Cooper's delivery, finishing her training to be a midwife, and I absolutely adore her. She's so calm and happy and cares so much.
   Cooper and I are going to go watch Yo Gabba Gabba and eat carrots. He's pretty much obsessed with that show. He has a big stuffed Brobee that's almost as tall as he is, and a little TY Brobee that he calls Baby Brobee and he carries everywhere with him. We've been practicing how to treat babies with Baby Brobee, which he's already really good about since he's been around Allison since she was a week or so old. Cooper loves babies. This is going to be so good. I'm getting more and more excited.

Brave new world.

   Last night Brandon and I hung out with our darling cousin and her adorable boyfriend. They are the first couple we've ever hung out with that we have enough in common with that we can have an actual conversation. Or 7. Or 19. I'm not sure how many we actually had. They come over for dinner and a movie at 8pm and didn't leave until after 6am. We never got around to the movie. The four of us ordered some of the best food I've had in a while, and sat up just talking and laughing and eating and it was really fun, and an interesting experience. Even Brandon didn't end up playing video games the whole time they were here, which is a pretty big deal.
   It's nice to have a night with great food and conversation with new people every now and then, especially people we have that much in common with. My cousin and her boyfriend are both into movies, music, video games, Doctor Who, Star Wars, hell, she and I even have a similar fashion sense a lot of the time. We disagree on just enough to keep the conversations thoughtful and interesting. Brandon and her boyfriend got along really well too. It was just a generally pleasant night.
   The only downside was that for some reason, I was completely incapable of sleeping in. I'm not sure why. Cooper isn't home. I COULD. But I still woke up right on time to make breakfast this morning and then couldn't go back to sleep. I'm thinking it's just a symptom of being a mom. Brandon can sleep like no one I've ever met. He's STILL out cold at 12:40. I'm a little jealous. Oh well. I'll use this time to watch more Being Human and eat some of my delicious junk food. My midwives would probably not be pleased if they saw my breakfast of choice today, but that's ok. Some mornings you just gotta eat the ruffle chips in ranch dip and Kiebler girl-scout knock off cookies. I'm going with it.
   Meanwhile, back in adult town, I can't wait until we get our tax return. We're buying a car, and then I can take Cooper to do stuff, like play dates, indoor playgrounds, and swimming at the YMCA with Morgan and Allison. Not to mention when he's gone I can go out and do mommy things. I plan on picking Brandon up for lunch a lot, too. We have a plan that I'll drop him off at work a few times a week at least, that way I can have the car. It's going to be awesome. I just wish I was a better driver, since driving on the ice kind of freaks me out. I haven't had much practice. I might actually enroll in driver's ed. There's one across the street from our house. I haven't had much practice. Still, I'm pretty freaking excited.
   Baby is doing well today. The last week or so I've felt little flutters that I try to tell myself aren't the baby so I don't feel nuts for feeling it so early, but this morning there was no denying it was Baby. That is pretty cool. Now if only he or she would move more so I can be a little bit at ease during the day. Once Cooper started moving, he didn't stop, so I always knew he was ok and strong, even if it meant dislocated and cracked ribs for momma, it made me feel better to know all the time that he was SO STRONG. I hope this baby is too.
   Next weekend I'm hoping we can go see Warm Bodies. It looks so cute and funny, and it's a zombie movie, which makes it right up my alley. Brandon isn't excited for it though. He thinks it's a "bastardization of the zombie movie genre," and really thinks it looks dumb, but I figure it's my turn to pick. We so rarely go out on date night, so this is going to be fun. I'm pretty stoked. We just need to arrange a sitter for Coops.
   I need more foods now.

Ice cream made me it's bitch last night.

   I was craving ice cream. I mean, gut wrenching, nothing else tastes quite right, can't stop thinking about it, pregnancy craving ice cream, which is weird, because through the duration of my pregnancy thus far, dairy has not been my friend. I've TRIED to drink milk, eat yogurt, and chow on some cottage cheese, but it makes me sick to my stomach. I'm drinking a ton of orange juice with added calcium, and trying to eat foods enriched with calcium and vitamin D to make up for it, and can handle a little bit of cheese or cream cheese on hot sandwiches, but I still get a mild tummy ache, so I avoid it.
   Last night I figured the craving was a good sign that maybe I could handle a little dairy better, so we went to the store, and on the way back, I got the small cherry dipped cone my body was screaming at my brain about. I got home, finished it up, and within 3 minutes was feeling like crap. I then proceeded to puke the whole thing up along with all the contents of my stomach while sobbing pitifully to Brandon, who was rubbing my back and holding my hair back. "I just wanted some ice cream!" *insert crying and more puking here*
   It was not pretty, but I think I'm officially giving up on dairy for the rest of my pregnancy. Lesson learned, this baby is insane and doesn't know what it wants, or is a dick. I'll keep that in mind. Ha.
   We're having company tonight so I have a little extra housework to do. I'm off to procrastinate with Brandon.

Nap skipping.

   Cooper skipped his nap today. So far he's been taking them again for the last couple weeks, but today he refused to sleep, and I'm not the cry-it-out type of mom, so finally I gave in and let him play. Now it's too late for him to get a nap in. Brandon will be home in a little more than an hour, and we'll have dinner, play with Cooper, and then watch a movie with him until his bedtime at 10. Assuming we make it that long. I'm getting frustrated and need to take a step back and breathe. Now is probably a good time to do some dishes and get started thinking about dinner. Something so I can keep an eye on him without being so easily accessible for him to take his frustration out on me. About 5, which is when I would normally wake him up from his nap, he started to act really cranky. Now, a little over an hour later, everything he says is done in a whining voice with tears in his eyes. EVERYTHING. We ran out of apple juice, and he came whining to ask for some, and when I told him it was all gone he started sobbing and kicking and screaming. Ugh.

   I hate that he's throwing tantrums now. Where does this come from? What happened to my little boy? I don't recognize him when he's being this way, when he's hitting me and kicking the dog and scratching my face because I can't give him something. Seriously. The side of my nose was bleeding today where he scratched me. Who is this insane little person?!

   So it's time to step back before it goes from frustration to anger. I won't be the parent that punishes my child out of anger. Then it's not about controlled discipline, it's about control and getting back at a baby. Not ok. He's been in timeout a couple times today for being mean to the dog and hitting me. We have a no-tolerance policy for hitting (other than when we're playing ninjas), so to timeout he went. Clearly he is not ready to ditch the naps yet. We both just end up miserable by the end of the night. My head is pounding from his high-pitched screeching, and he is CLEARLY not happy.

   I can't wait for Brandon to get home. I think it will do Cooper some good to have some daddy time, and I am going to take a long shower to ditch the headache. Cooper adores his daddy, and now that Brandon's working, he doesn't have to be the bad guy during the day that makes Cooper follow the rules. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving being a SAHM, but there are certain benefits to only being home at breakfast and dinner time, and to tuck baby into bed. One of those benefits is getting to come home and save baby from evil mommy and her wicked rules. Hahaha!

   On the other hand, there were so many things I feel like I missed being the working parent. I'm glad I get this time with my son. He's not going to be little forever. He's getting so big, so fast. A rough evening every now and then is more than worth it. He's just so tired, and if I let him sleep now he'll be up all night. I'm so tired, I can't stay up with him. He has to go to bed on time tonight and stay in bed.

   Pregnancy is awful. I had almost forgotten. Now that the puking and the majority of food aversions and cravings have almost gone away, I can eat and start gaining weight. Sweet. The headaches are starting to go away, too. The latest pregnancy symptoms are achy hips. I go to bed, and if I lay on one side for more than a very short time, that hip hurts so bad and is so stiff I have to roll over. It's been keeping me awake. I can't wait until my body adjusts to the relaxin. I've had bad heartburn lately, too. I had that the whole time I was pregnant with Cooper, so hopefully this time it goes away. My skin is clearing up, which is nice. I felt flutters, which my midwife says is normal this early in a second pregnancy because I know what early movement feels like now.

   I'm off to cook dinner. Cooper is calming down. Brandon will be home in half an hour now. Everything is going to be ok.

This is all in the name of fun. UPDATE AT BOTTOM

   Since we've decided we aren't finding out the gender of Baby, I thought it might be fun to do some of the silly at home gender tests. According to the Chinese calendar I'm having a boy, according to a bunch of old wives tales, I'm having a girl. Tonight I'm going to try the baking soda thing, and I'll update with the result. This is all for fun, and we won't be buying anything gender specific because the accuracy is more than questionable, but once Baby is born it will be neat to see which ones were right this time.
   I can't wait for winter to be over. I'm sick of the cold, Cooper's sick of being stuck in the house, I think we both miss being able to run through the sprinkler and go to the park and get sno-cones and frozen yogurt. It snowed again today and I am not pleased. This weather is awful. Why does winter seem to last ages, and summer goes by in a blink? Not cool, planet. Not cool.
   Meanwhile in Cooper world, he found his chalk and took it into the shower with him today. The shower is now pink all the way around and on the floor, as high as he could reach. Thank goodness it's just chalk and will wash off with some soapy water. I think I'll keep letting him chalk up the shower. He loved it. It's not hurting anything. I like his bright, crazy drawings. They make me smile. I'm thinking I may have to get him bath chalk.
   I'm off to do the baking soda test. Update to come.

UPDATE: No fizz in the baking soda, so that's supposed to mean girl.

The fish died.

   Our beta fish, George Fish, died about 2 months ago. Coop STILL asks where the fish went when he goes potty, because his old bowl is on the bathroom counter until I can figure out what to do with it, and since we might get a new fish for Coop. Finally today I decided I would just explain it as best I could, because clearly just telling him the fish was gone was not sufficient. "But WHERE Fish, Momma? WHERE?" We sat down and colored, and while we colored, I told him that sometimes when things get very old, they get to go somewhere special. That when they go, they leave their body behind so they can go fast and jump high and dance all the time. I explained that that is where George Fish went, to a special place where he could swim and have fun. Cooper asked if Fish plays there, and if there's a slide, and I told him of course there was. What kind of super cool place DOESN'T have a slide? That seemed to suffice, and he hasn't asked again today.
   I guess I wasn't prepared to have the death talk with my 2-year-old, but at the same time, I'm kind of glad we did, because now we can talk about it without it being scary or difficult. I have always felt like the best way to handle parenting is to be honest with my son at an age appropriate level. I'm agnostic, and would like to believe in a beautiful afterlife, so I just gave him the simplest version of death and an afterlife that I could. I'm not sure he understands, but he seemed to let it go after. As he gets older I'm sure I'll have to explain it better and give him more details and different beliefs, but for now, it worked. I just feel sort of Atticus Finch-esque being so open with him about such adult topics, and like maybe it was TOO honest for a 2-year-old. Who knows? There's not a manual for this stuff. It seemed to make him feel better that his Fish was somewhere with a slide though, so maybe it was just the right amount of honesty about death with just the right amount of childlike joy and simplistic explanation. I sure hope so.
   Since the nausea has subsided enough that I'm eating and keeping down almost everything now, it's time to fill out my nutrition chart. Every day for a week I'm supposed to write down what and how much I eat. I started today, and I realized how often I actually eat, but how small the portions are. On the plus side almost everything is healthy, except the handful of Cooper's potty training gummy bears I sneaked in after my cottage cheese and carrots. Tonight I'm going to make Nutella no-bake cookies, but all things considered, even they are pretty healthy compared to what we could be eating. I can't have peanut butter, so I replace the peanut butter and cocoa powder with Nutella, and I cut the sugar down from 2 cups to 1 1/2 cups because they were much too sweet for me. So yummy.
   Cooper is getting so close to being potty trained! Today he's used the potty 4 times, and let me know when he had to poop, even though we didn't quite make it because he was wearing footie pajamas. He's been wearing his big boy underwear since after the poop, and hasn't had an accident. I am so stinking proud of him and his progress. Our goal was to potty train as soon as possible when he started showing signs of being ready, but every time we'd get close to underwear ready, he'd stay somewhere for a weekend and no one was consistent, and he'd come back and not want to potty train any more. We've come to the conclusion that he won't be staying anywhere if they won't consistently work with him. It's going to suck telling Joann, because she hasn't wanted to do the potty training thing, but she wants to take him most weekends. Hopefully she can understand where I'm coming from and either agree to ditch the diapers, or wait until he's making it to the potty to take him.
   My mom has already agreed to keep up with the potty training if he's over there, and Inez works with him all the time. I think having a lot of encouragement has really gotten him interested again. I'm excited. It would be great if Cooper was using the big potty by himself by the time Baby is born. I'm honestly starting to get really excited about Baby. I'm 15 weeks and 2 days, and it's awesome. I'm getting closer and closer to feeling completely ok. We just need to make it past 21 weeks and I'll really be ready to start preparing in earnest, making the big purchases, arranging the house, planning the shower since after a pretty long discussion we decided to have one and I highly doubt anyone will throw one for us, and figuring out who we want in the room, and how I would prefer to birth this baby. With Cooper I labored in water and birthed on a bed, but I'm not sure that's how I want to have Baby.
   Morgan is giving me her fetal heart monitor to get me to relax until I'm more comfortable. And once I can feel more than flutters as far as movement, I'll be much more mellow. Right now I'm still a little tense, even though I just KNOW everything is going to be ok.
   Brandon is starting to be more involved. He's asking questions and talking to my belly sometimes, and having honest conversations with me about how he's feeling. He's still really stressed, but I think he's starting to realize that we CAN do this. We've learned so much in the last 2 years, and we're finally making choices I can be proud of and not have to second guess. We've got this. And if Baby brings half as much to our little family as Cooper has, then we will be so lucky to have them in our lives it's not even funny. Cooper is getting excited, even though I'm not sure he gets what's going on. I've explained to him that there is a baby in my tummy, and that he was a little baby once, and came from me, just like this baby will, and just like Allison came from Morgan. I've explained that this baby is made out of mommy and daddy, so he or she will look like us and Cooper, and be absolutely beautiful and perfect and smart just like Cooper is. I've told him that he's going to be a big brother, and have someone to play with and to teach how to do stuff, and that he must always share with and be sweet to Baby. We watched videos of new babies, and he gets really excited when I tell him that we're going to have a little baby just like that, and that he's such a big boy Baby will want to be with him and play all the time.
   I think when he starts figuring it out, I'll start prepping him for having a little more independence since there will be times I won't be readily available to look at his toy or get his milk right away. Again, there's not really a manual for this stuff, and I don't want the transition from only child to big brother to be too scary for him or happen without a little explanation. Maybe I'm expecting too much comprehension from him, but I'd rather try. I'm still going to make sure Cooper gets plenty of one on one mommy time, but it's going to be different for him and there's no avoiding it. Sometimes I wish I was going to have some extra help for a couple weeks after Baby is born, but I just don't have that. Maybe I'll figure something out. Someone to take Cooper to the park or feed the baby so I can do something special with my little man once a day. And having a little help with the housework and meal prep would be nice. Maybe I'll hire a cousin or something.
   Time to pop the lasagna in the oven. It's not from scratch tonight, since I still can't cook raw meat without puking over and over, and my herb plants died in our freezing house. It's still going to be pretty yummy though. I'm kind of excited. I love lasagna night.

The Terrible Twos are real, and they suck so much.

   The last few days, Cooper has been getting over being sick, so I can cut him some slack, but the last couple weeks have been AWFUL. It seems like suddenly he's always either pissed off and crying and throwing tantrums, or testing to see how far he can push the rules. Lately he's picked up the habit of looking right at me when I tell him not to do something, and doing it anyway. Last night it was kicking the table while we were eating. He was pushing the lightweight table out from under us, and I repeatedly asked him and then told him to stop. He did it anyway. Over and over. Even after a timeout. Finally we sent him to his bed while we finished eating and he didn't get dessert.
   When we let him up for cuddle time and let him color, he drew on himself, and when I told him not to, he threw the pen at my face. The other day he hit me in the store and threw a HUGE tantrum because he wanted the cart from outside, that was covered in snow, and I got one from inside instead. I put him in timeout right there at the store, and he threw his head back against the wall and started kicking, and some woman felt the need to approach me and tell me how abusive I was being to him. Sigh. We have never had issues like this before. It's not just with me, either. He's being weird to Brandon. He will randomly decide he wants nothing to do with him. He'll ask me to get him something, and if Brandon gets it instead, Cooper throws it aside and says no, and that he doesn't want it. This morning Brandon was already out of bed and headed to the kitchen, so when Cooper asked me for milk I asked Brandon to grab it while I read with Cooper in bed, and Cooper HID THE CUP from him and said no.
   Brandon's been bringing us home snacks and treats from work, and Cooper has started throwing fits when it's not what he wanted or when he has to eat some dinner first.
   He's not that way all the time. He's just in timeout so much more often now, and it makes me feel like an asshole. After trial and error I know that if I give him more leeway with the rules he just behaves worse, so we're not giving in anymore. It just sucks. For everyone. He's clearly not happy when he's acting this way, and he's driving us up the wall because we don't know what to do except keep enforcing the rules and rewarding good behavior until he gets back in the rhythm of things.
   I think part of the problem is lack of stimulation. It's hard to play at the park when everything is covered in snow, and when I've taken him out to play in the snow he gets frustrated and cold after a few minutes. If we were in Boise I would have so much more access to indoor activities. He has little friends there he could have playdates with, family to visit, the aquarium and zoo, which are all on bus routes. The bus system in Nampa is awful. Once we have a car we will only be home a couple days a week. Cooper and I will spend most days in Boise, since we'll be running Brandon to work most days and then picking him up. I can't wait to move back there. I love this house, but it will be nice to be close to the people and places we love, away from the Aryan Nation neighbors. I'm also looking forward to finding something with air conditioning, a fenced yard, and a dishwasher. Washer and dryer hook-ups or a washer and dryer in the home would be nice, too, but I'd be ok with taking my laundry elsewhere.

Blarg! Dairy is not my friend this pregnancy.

   So, I was all excited. I hadn't puked in a few days. That's a big deal. I was underweight before I got pregnant, and my morning sickness was so bad I was dropping pounds instead of gaining them. I'm supposed to gain 35-45 pounds this pregnancy. Not happening yet. Anyway, cue this morning. After not throwing up for over 72 hours I was feeling brave. One of my big food aversions has been dairy. Not because I didn't want it. It made me vomit a lot. When I was pregnant with Cooper all I wanted was milk. Now any milk, sour cream, yogurt, real cheese, it all makes me feel sick. I can keep down small amounts most days, but a glass of milk or a bowl of yogurt and granola has me hugging the porcelain thrown for hours. I figured I was getting passed it. No such luck. I have been unable to keep anything down today because being so brave I ate ice cream last night (just a few bites that I shared with Cooper), and then had yogurt AND cereal with milk in it for breakfast.
   Brandon came home with leftovers from lunch. He goes out to lunch a lot since he works in downtown Boise and has so many lunch options. I was so frustrated and hungry I started crying. He gets to go out and eat whatever he pleases and always gets stuff that trigger my food aversions, meanwhile, I feel like my stomach is eating itself and running to the toilet at the littlest bit of raw onion or real cheese. He's eating sweet pork enchiladas with pico de guio and cheese. Ugh. He's always bringing leftovers home and I can never eat anything and I was just so mad. Not at him, but at my body. I'm so sick of being hungry.
   He ran to Arctic Circle to get me a burger. I'm hoping I can eat it. It was so sweet of him to offer. Granted, he's getting himself a milkshake that I will be jealous of, but it's ok. If I can just keep down a burger, I might feel better. At least, I may not want to sob hysterically at the fact that I no longer get to have most of my favorite breakfast foods, lunch foods, or dinner foods, not to mention dessert. I'm REALLY hoping this whole puking thing doesn't last the whole pregnancy. I'm going to lose it if I have to skip another root beer float or baked potato.
   Vent over.
   Cooper is feeling better today. He's got a stuffy nose, but other than that, his cough is cleared up and he's back to being mostly full of energy. He took his nap on time today, which is unusual, but other than that he's been awake and playing. I guess letting him sleep and pumping him full of fluids did the trick. I'm glad it was a common sense thing and not something I needed to take him to the doctor for.
   Brandon is back.

Sick baby is sick.

   My little darling is sick today. He started getting some yucky congestion yesterday morning, and by 4pm he had a fever and his nose was running as if there was a bear after it. He was coughing pretty bad, too, and sleeping a lot. So I made him a little bed next to me on the couch and let him rest all day. He woke up around 7, and was up watching movies with us until well after 2, which is when I gave up watching the clock hoping for sleep. He eventually fell asleep on a little bed next to our bed. Unfortunately, it was too good to be true.
   My dorky husband woke up for work this morning and forgot to turn off his alarm, so while he was pouring his coffee, it went off and woke us both up. 9am, after being up all night, sick baby was woken up. He was crying and miserable and nothing made him happy. Brandon kept apologizing. He felt really bad. Poor guy. Cooper literally did not stop crying about anything, everything, and nothing, for a solid hour and a half with me just holding him and trying everything to make it better. Trying to get breakfast together with a sobbing almost 40 pound toddler clinging to me was a challenge, but we finally got it sorted out and moved to the couch. I made him a little bed, and got him a cup of milk and a cup of orange juice, his cereal and his toast, I put on cartoons and let him lay there under the covers until he ate something, and once he had something in his belly, I gave him his medicine. He's not coughing so much, and his fever is down, but he's still miserable.
   I'm hoping he gets some rest soon. I hate when my boys are sick. Thankfully he was feeling ok until AFTER his birthday party, and he had a lot of fun. Brandon's family was sick, so they couldn't show up, and my dad's family chose not to come because my mom's family was there. That bummed me out. It's really too bad they don't want to figure out how to get along. This Christmas I figured out that it's just too much to keep everyone separate. I had to run around all day like a chicken with my head cut off, planning and coordinating, missing out on time with my boys, and all so no one felt uncomfortable and had to deal with each other. It's just too much. From now on, if they want to all be a part of big events for our family, they can buck up and get along. I'm not asking them to be friends or even be friendly, just courteous and respectful. I guess that's just too much.
   Brandon's family has been great about it all so far, which I really appreciate. As has my mom, and Inez and Charlie. My mom had to miss our wedding because my little sister is having some problems and there was an emergency appointment for her, but she was at Cooper's birthday party. Inez and Charlie came and stayed at our house Saturday night, and we all had fun until Cooper started feeling sick.
   I also told Jo that we aren't finding out the gender of the baby once and for all, and she was pretty ok with it. She was a little upset, but I think after all this time of me saying it's what I wanted, it wasn't a surprise for her and she accepted it. It was nice. I'm pretty relieved. I didn't want an argument, but I'm not changing my mind, and Brandon has my back. I'm a pretty tough cookie sometimes.
   My Cooper finally got his first haircut this weekend. I'm pretty divided on it. On one hand, he looks awesome, but on the other, I miss his gorgeous curls. Anyway, here he is, my sweet two-year-old boy:

Here is the birthday boy opening presents. He LOVES his new Brobee pillow, so thanks Inez for that!

Cupcake time!

Thursday before the haircut. Look at that hair!

Brandon and I getting married with Allison and Cooper as our bridal party. :D

   It's been a great week. I'm in the second trimester, so I'm more relaxed and not so scared all the time. Here's to a week as good as last week. Right now, my baby wants to sit with me. So I'm off to get some food and watch cartoons with my goob.

Today everything was gilded in warm, soft, gleaming gold.

   Today my little boy turned 2. I picked him up cupcakes and made him special food. Today I became a wife to the best man that's ever lived. Today I was surrounded by smiling people. Today my best friend bought me flowers to hold while I married my man. She even remembered that I don't like roses and got me pink carnations for eternal remembrance and motherhood, and day lilies for festivities, and baby's breath for happiness. I think all are fitting. They were beautiful, all pink and white and gold. Everything about today was beautiful.
   After the wedding, we had dinner at a little Mexican place, I got a HUGE plate of the best nachos I've ever had. It was awesome. Now I'm at home with my baby, and I'm finally crying great big happy tears. Sometimes I get sad and overwhelmed. I battle a lot with depression and anxiety, and I try really hard not to let it show, and today I was reminded that my life is pretty awesome. I have people that love me, and my little family to stand by me, and no matter how hard it gets or how low I get, I have people to pull me out fo my funk and hug me. My life is fucking brilliant.
   New baby is going to be so loved, and Cooper is so loved, and I have the best family ever.

I KNOW the numbers make sense, but HOLY FREAKING CRAP!

   Lately I've been really interested in cloth diapers. So I started doing research. So far everything about cloth diapering makes sense to me. Before I had my son I probably would have thought it was gross, but I've had another person's poop where no poop belongs, so honestly, it's less nasty to me now than the thought of those disposable diapers sitting in my trash can for a couple days until the trash fills up and gets taken out. Yuck. I learned that it's actually illegal to put human waste in dumps, and the fine print on diaper boxes tells you to dump your child's poops in the toilet, which I didn't know. Call me stupid, but I honestly didn't know. Then I did the math. We spend $20 ever 2 weeks on diapers now. When Cooper was younger it was WAY more than that. He doesn't use as many diapers now because we're working on potty training and his diet is solids instead of formula, so he's not being changed every single time he eats. When he was little we were spending easily $25 a week because we bought the better brand. That's $100 a month before tax for the first year of his life. 100x12=$1200 the first year just on diapers, then $480 this year give or take. That's $1680 on diapers in 2 years. Almost $1700 BEFORE TAX. That is insane!
   Then I looked at what went into disposable diapers. There are carcinogens, chemicals out the wazoo, and the same stuff in tampons that can cause TSS. And I've been putting that against my baby's skin EVERY DAY HIS WHOLE LIFE. I can't believe I just did it without thinking. I'm so into researching everything for my son, and I didn't even think twice about what I was doing to his body or the environment by using disposable diapers. I am genuinely ashamed. I wouldn't call myself granola, but I tend to make informed choices even if it's not the same choice someone else would make. I didn't circumcise, we vaccinate, we made most of Cooper's first foods, I use a midwife, and every choice has been made on information and I was really proud of that.
   I started seriously looking into cloth diapers today, and I'm really overwhelmed. First of all, there was so much to research, between all the brands and styles and types and fabrics... so I read comprehensive reports and reviews on the top 5 rated brands. Jeez. There is still so much to know. Each brand has a million products and liners and covers and accessories and recommendations! So I asked CafeMom for a little bit of help and got it narrowed down even more. I think I know the brand and type I want, but I wish I could try them before I commit, especially after price checking. It's going to be $680 to get everything we need to have diapers from birth to potty training, including liners, shells, a special laundry sack for drying, a travel wet/dry bag, a diaper pail with liners, and a toilet attachment to rinse off diapers into the toilet hygienically so there isn't a huge amount of poop in the washer. Ha. Poop in the washer.
   $680 is less than $1700. But it's all at once, so it feels like so much. It also seems like a lot more work, but most of the cloth diapering moms I talk to say it's easy after the first week, because you get into a routine, and it's just an extra load of laundry a couple days a week, which makes it seem totally doable for me. I love doing laundry anyway. So I'm seriously considering cloth diapers. Which kind of makes me feel like a dirty hippy, but I guess that's a small price to pay for making healthier choices.
   I'm kind of worried about the reactions I'm going to get. Especially from my dad's side. They are already really pushing me to find out the gender, and aren't afraid to tell me that I'm insane for going with a midwife again, and lord forbid I tell them we delayed vaccinating Cooper for 3 months, and that I plan to do it again for this baby, because most of the reading I've done has shown a correlation between the weaker immune systems of younger babies being vaxed on time, and poor reactions. I agree with vaccination, I just feel it's potentially harmful on immune systems that haven't had the time to develop to tolerate them. They called it gross that I didn't circ my son, and I'm sure telling them I'm honestly hoping to successfully cloth diaper is going to be another battle to defend my sanity. I'm also sure they're going to use disposables whenever I'm not around, which honestly is fine since it won't be much for at least the first year, just like with Cooper. Sometimes I just feel like they have this idea of what normal parenting is, and anything else is crazy to them. It's upsetting, but it is what it is. I happen to be an awesome mom. I can say that with 98% assurance, almost every day. I mean, I have my moments where I'm like, "WTF AM I DOING?!" They always pass and my son is happy and healthy and so very sweet, so I know I'm doing it right, at least for us.
   Sometimes I feel so lucky to have Brandon to support my wacky granola-momma choices. It gives me confidence to do what I feel is right as a parent. With so many different opinions from all sides, it's really cool to have a united front.

Panic-freaking-attacks.

   I have an irrational fear. It never gets better, logic never works to soothe my fears, and my reaction is one of sheer horror no matter how much I try to relax and control myself. I have an extreme phobia of needles. Usually people don't get it. I tell them I'm scared of needles and I get, "Oh, I don't like them either!" I try to explain to medical staff that it's more than a dislike, and more than just a fear or anxiety, it's an outright traumatic panic attack scenario, and that I have to have things done a certain way to avoid being a danger to myself and them, and I usually get brushed off. Anyone that has a phobia gets it, but for people that don't have that kind of extreme fear, it's hard to understand. The sobbing, sweaty palms, shaking, heart pounding, lack of air reaction that seems so extreme and ridiculous, and is absolutely humiliating for the person experiencing it because no matter how hard I try, I can't calm down and it feels like I'm dying and the whole world is ending. It's embarrassing, and terrifying, and awful.
   I had a midwife today that learned all about trypanophobic reactions. I had time to prepare, and my midwife was INCREDIBLE. She was there for Cooper's birth as a midwife in training 2 years ago. She made sure all of my little comfort requests were met, and she was extremely patient with me. We went through the whole appointment, she answered all of my questions and concerns, and was very open about everything, and let me take my time and breathe. As far as the rest of the appointment, I've lost weight due to the morning sickness, but I've been trying my hardest to get enough of the nutrients I need, and stay hydrated. It's been paying off. My blood sugar levels are ok, so I don't need to do a major glucose screening. I am not showing signs of anemia, but they won't know for sure until they get my blood work back. I'm hydrated and healthy. They just want me to gain a little bit of weight, since I've lost 5 pounds since my last visit. I heard baby's heartbeat, and it was steady and normal, and super strong. We could hear it even above mine.
   I don't know if I'm going to get any ultrasounds other than the most basic anatomy ultrasound, IF we decide to get that. The only reason I'm considering it is because I'm paranoid and want to be prepared if something is wrong with the baby so we can go to the hospital. I've been looking into the medical necessity of it, and the pros and cons, and am still leaning heavily towards having one. My biggest issue with it right now is that I'm feeling really bullied into finding out the gender. Brandon and I agreed we'd rather not find out until the baby is born. We want the surprise. Plus that way we can stock up on gender neutral stuff that we can box up and save in case we want more babies a few years from now when I'm done with my degree. We don't have to get everything for one gender and have nothing if we have a different gender baby years from now. The anticipation would be super fun, and what an incredible surprise would that be? To be able to actually announce, "It's a ----!" and let people hold our little one for the first time.
   We have names picked out for both. Penelope Zorah R. for a little girl, and Archer Finnley R. for a little boy. I can't wait to find out, but I'm going to. I'm getting a lot of flack for it. It's really frustrating, but I'm just going to have to tell everyone bugging me that we don't know and we're not finding out until the birth, and if it's an issue, they can keep it to themselves because I'm going to stop responding to people telling my how to experience my pregnancy.
   Morgan went with me to my appointment today, and held my hands and let me cry like a bitch, and then got me Chinese food to make me feel better. She's easily the best friend I could ever have asked for. Brandon got home and asked me about it and made me feel better, and I love him so much more than I knew I was capable of. We're going to bring this baby into a world full of people, and some of these people are going to be so wonderful that I just know our baby is going to be just as happy and healthy and loving and excited about life as our Cooper is. He has awesome grandparents, and our little family to help him be the best and happiest he can be, and I know without a doubt that this baby will have all of that, AND the best big brother in the universe. He's so good to Allison and other babies, and he's so loving and patient and ready to play and learn, and he's going to be so great as a big brother. So in spite of the trauma from my appointment, today is a good day. Even the tough days are good days. Life is pretty awesome and everything is incredible. Agustin had it right. Everything is incredible.

I'm the MILF monster.

   There was a little drama on my Facebook this morning. It made me chuckle. Brandon and I are going out with Morgan tonight to celebrate the wedding and stuff, and because I have to stay in Boise anyway to make it to my appointment tomorrow. So when I woke up I posted on my Facebook about how much I like having time to relax in the morning, which is rare, and time to get ready. At the end I made a joke about how I was going to look like a MILF.
   Now, let me clarify. My Facebook is mostly friends and people I game with, and a little bit of family. A couple siblings and cousins, and Brandon's little brother. Most of the family I have on there are really mellow. They have the same sense of humor that I do, and the kids on there have heard and said worse, and have parents that don't get offended by comments like that. I honestly didn't think MILF was going to get under anyone's skin. I DO have a second cousin on there that has yet to accept that I'm an adult now. He posts e-cards with swear words, but when I use the words hell or damn he gets all up in my business and acts offended. He immediately jumped on my case over the comment. Then my little sister told me to "Show some class." Holy cow! So I'm sitting here laughing to myself. I respond candidly to their comments, and they might not like it, but it is what it is. I have an inappropriate sense of humor sometimes.
   Sometimes I wish people would take the sticks out of their butts and have a laugh. Or just ignore something that they don't find funny. There's no reason to get upset or act like they're being personally attacked. Oh well. I'm going to continue to have an awesome day with my man.

Today I will procrastinate.

   Some days it's so nice to just put stuff off. Most days I'm frustrated that I can't move faster or get more done. My morning sickness is all day now, and any time I do a lot of activity I hurl, which isn't pleasant, so I've been working on doing a little bit at a time and trying not to get overwhelmed when stuff piles up. Brandon's been really patient and understanding, and on weekends he helps out a lot, doing a load or two of dishes and cleaning the living room.
   This weekend we're purging the house and deep cleaning again. Moving the furniture, too. I'm excited. On Thursday, Cooper is turning 2, and Brandon and I are getting married, and then next weekend we're having Cooper's birthday party and announcing sometime after that I'm pregnant. Big things happening. It's pretty cool. Now to get Cooper ready to go to his Grandmother's for the weekend.

Sign rampage.

   I'm they type of girl that is not in the least afraid to express myself when I'm feeling a certain way. I'm also not one to filter my emotions. When I feel something, I go for it, man. It's the only way to live. When I'm sad, I cry. When I'm shocked, I gasp. When I'm happy, I sing and laugh. When I'm angry, I get confrontational. Every time though, I prefer to talk it out, and the words with which I express myself tend to be just as big as the physical projections of my emotions. I've been called melodramatic. People have misinterpreted my words as more than what they are. I'm not intentionally dramatic, but I've tried holding back and holding stuff in and it doesn't feel good. It feels like no one knows ME. So I just invest myself completely. I cry at movies sometimes. And books and music.
   Anyway, all that being said, I try really hard to be sweet to people when they are upset, and I internalize it when people get angry, so my feelings get hurt and I start to doubt things and try to improve. Brandon has called me a doormat. I've been working on that for a while. I guess it has not been enough though. People I would generally call my friends come over and are complete assholes. I make a meal, and they yell about the timing. They wake up late and demand I make them breakfast after we've all eaten. They complain about kid noise. They leave filth all over my house. I've tried talking to them. I've tried pleading with them. I've tried being patient. I'm over it.
   Next time they come over, things are going to be different. That's right, I'm going all nose to knee* on these bitches. We'll go round and round until they improve their attitudes or dump my family and I in the dirt and take off running. I've already let them know that I'm done being just upset, and I'm to the point of mad now, and when I'm mad I don't back down.
   I've put up friendly reminders in certain rooms to remind them of the common courtesies they have been neglecting, and if they fail to pay attention to them, they can leave. I'm not asking much. Scrape plates before dropping them in the sink because we don't have a dishwasher. Throw garbage in the trash instead of leaving it on the floor. Say "please" and "thank you" when you want something done instead of demanding and expecting. And if you're nasty to my kid because he's being a kid, I'm going to let him eat you.

Zombie Cooper likes to eat jerks.

   Now that all that unpleasantness is aside, HAPPY NEW YEAR! It's going to be a great big one for us, full of awesome moments, I'm sure. I hope everyone has a good year!